


The Suspect Talks, A Lot

by Sara Generis (kanadka)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Bittersweet Ending, Heist, M/M, Misunderstandings, Outer Space, one day I will write non-bittersweet denned but it's not today
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 17:46:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9283121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanadka/pseuds/Sara%20Generis
Summary: The plan didn't work out nearly as smoothly as Danmark had hoped, so now he's trying to talk his way out of police custody.





	

**Author's Note:**

> written for the [aph rarepair exchange](http://aphsecretsanta.tumblr.com/) for [this tumblr](http://natalya-arlovs-gay-a.tumblr.com/) who had wanted some sort of sad stuff, and also mentioned outer space as setting and NedDen, DenEst and EstUkr as pairings. The latter two are implied more than featured (Chernenko the forger is Ukraine, Willem van Dijk is Netherlands). I hope heist!fic and me trying to do something interesting with the dialogue is okay!

"You know, it was such a simple, easy heist! Now, had we done something precisely like this before? Of course not. Were we prepared? Mmmostly. Were we organised? Ehh, a little bit! But the moment I stepped onto the Rembrandt - that beautiful behemoth of a ship owned by the business magnate, art dealer, philanthropist, stock trader, investor, and all-around rich guy Willem van Dijk - it all started goin' wrong.

"Now, our target was not van Dijk himself. No, no! We thought he was way too difficult to get close to. No, but van Dijk, y'see, was travelling aboard the ship, and this we knew. Norge and Suomi - those're codenames, I don't know the real ones, so don't go askin' me - anyway, they'd guaranteed us this information along with a map of the Rembrandt showing us what was where.

"Our hire gave us instructions: what they needed transporting was concealed in the wood of picture frames - nearly a hundred of 'em! Now, ship-to-ship transport - as you fancy guys with your uniforms know - is done with the Ordnar system, but that leaves your items exposed to solar radiation, especially given that this year's a peak in the solar flare activity. Other more high-security items - like humans, animals, pets, foodstuffs, alcohol, priceless artifacts, like art! - well those get transported using Luxor shuttles, the ones that are all beefed out on the hulls! So whatever our hire wanted transported, whatever was hidden away in those frames, well, musta been pretty fragile stuff.

"What was it? Pfft, I don't know! I didn't ask. What d'you think, I'm an idiot? Hey, don't answer that. Anyway, it wasn't just me, nobody on the team asked. Askin' too many questions doesn't get you the job, and not getting the job doesn't get you paid. _That's_ important!

"So Eesti - that's our newest hire, my doing, actually! Ah, that's also a codename - no no, with two e's - yeah, that's it. Say, you got nice writing fer a cop! Oh, I forgot, 'federal investigator', you like me usin' those fancy titles. Ha ha, sorry!

"Anyway, Eesti guaranteed us a hundred forgeries of a painting hung in van Dijk's private apartment aboard the Rembrandt. You know that pretty one with the blue and the stars? It was on my math textbook in grade school. That's the one! Well, maybe it was wrong of us to have played Miss Chernenko so cruelly, but y'know, she _had_  walked right into it, it was a real smooth seduction, and Eesti is such a gentleman when he wants to be. I was surprised it was his first excursion! Kid really does fit right in, dontcha think?

"And so, that's how we do our work: odd jobs through twisted tricks like trickery and theft, etc. accomplished by any means necessary. And I do mean _any_  means. Through this we've developed a certain skill set, a certain ruthlessness, and a certain reputation, and I think that's what's caught the eye of our hires recently. 'Cause our heists have become more dangerous, more high stakes, and best of all, more lucrative!

"Anyway. I'm talking too much, aren't I? Ha ha ha!

"So, right, the forgeries! We thought we'd add van Dijk's original to the hundred, that makes a hundred and one. Van Dijk reports the painting missing, it turns up, along with a hundred others, on the Timberwolf. Suomi's there on the other side to 'assist' with authenticity verification - which involves the slow methodical process of checking a portion of the canvas by removing each painting from its frame. Suomi passes the frame and whatever else inside to Norge for later handling, Norge swaps the hollow frames out for real ones, stashes the hollow frames for Ísland to collect and deliver -

"- you see where I'm goin' with this? Yeah? It's pretty smart, isn't it! It's all my idea! Okay, well, Sverige helped _I guess_.

"So in the end, we get our frames safely stowed on the Timberwolf, exactly as our hire wants, with minimal police interference and the real painting would be back on van Dijk's in no more than an evening with no muss no fuss, we collect our money by dinner time. Simple!

"Alright, so maybe it wasn't so simple after all. But it got a lot harder when Eesti buzzed in to me over the airwaves, says he's at the elevators to van Dijk's apartment like he should be but it's no use, there's three more guards than we had anticipated, only three were on Suomi's maps, he can't take out six of them.

"So I ask him through my earpiece radio, well kid, d'you want some backup? 'Cause I was free.

"And he goes, what good would that do? No one's getting in or out of that apartment without taking out the guards.

"Now, taking out the guards puts ship police on high alert. We'd never get off the Rembrandt alive. And the painting and the forgeries would be more than just a routine case, it'd raise suspicion, you guys would get called in a lot earlier than you did, you'd post your own people to verify the art, and you'd probably find the whatever-it-was in the frames! That's a no go.

"So what we needed here's a distraction. Someone had to get into van Dijk's apartment without alarming the guards, which meant that they had to get into his apartment with van Dijk's permission, preferably with him there.

"And who do I spot in the restaurant on the Rembrandt but van Dijk himself, in a shadowy booth off to the side in half-darkness. So I tell the guys, alright, look, gimme a half hour to work, then I'll buzz you back, I got an idea.

"And Sverige's all, _noooo, not an idea, your ideas are the worst_  but I'm like _no, man! this'll work! believe me!_  and Ísland's like _those sound like famous last words_  but Suomi's got a bit of faith and Eesti too so it's two against two and Norge says he's in need of a joke so let's see it play out and watch it burn, and I'm like thank you for that, despite that I will consider this a tie-breaker, so off I go to the bar of the restaurant.

"So I'm there for ten minutes, I've had a martini - can't stand 'em, but it's what everybody else is drinkin' in this fancy ass place - I'm covertly watching van Dijk out the corner of my eye, y'see. He's not drinking a martini, so I'm all, man, you are already a plus one in my book, and I call over the bartender once I'm done my drink and ask what the hell that guy in the corner is drinking, and he says it's an old-fashioned, and I'm like an old-fashioned what, and the bartender just sorta eyes me like am I really supposed to be here.

"So I order one, and then I tell him, and can you make one for him too, he looks kinda lonely.

"And now the bartender's really eyeing me and he says, look punk, do you even know who that is.

"- this is my chance, you see! -

"- and I'm like no, who's that? And the bartender says in a hush voice with big bug eyes, that's Willem van Dijk, and I look all clueless - Sverige tells me that comes naturally - I'm a really good actor! - and I say yeah pal that doesn't mean anything to me. Does he like these? 'Cause he's drinkin' one. And I don't think someone that pretty should drink alone without someone buyin' him something, is all.

"So the bartender's face sours, and I can just tell he's weighing his options, mebbe gonna tell me to shove off 'cause there's another bar elsewhere on the ship for guys like me - I swear! He looked like that kind of guy! - but he also wants to get a tip tonight and so he says nothing, makes the two drinks, sends one over with a waiter.

"Van Dijk gets it, he looks at it, he looks at me, he glares. I play innocent, I give him a little wink and a wave.

"It's nothing, he doesn't have to accept, but somehow I felt he would.

"So then the waiter comes back and comes to me. He says he wants you to come over, wants to thank you for the drink. And the bartender's like, yeah, don't think he knows what to do, no one's ever bought him a drink before - I think that's why he was so sour, come to think of it, just about anybody would look funny if you didn't know who Willem van Dijk is - and I continue playing and I say well why not? He's hot, who wouldn't?

"I go over. And - and he's real handsome in person, y'know? I don't think I was prepared for that, but up close he's even more a looker than he is in the news. And he still looked so lonely, so cold. So, it was one of the easier acting jobs I had to do, actually, and the only time I was really acting was pretending I didn't know who Willem van Dijk was, like honestly, everybody knows who he is, I didn't know what he thought of me, maybe I'd been living under a rock or something.

"But I musta convinced him good, because we spent about three hours there - I'm sure you've seen it on the security footage! - we ordered a little food, we drank a bit more, we had - well by the end of it he was kinda smiling? He'd told his bodyguard to piss off, he was lettin' loose. And I felt happy, not just drunk, but happy. Y'see, I like getting to people, and van Dijk's a hard guy to get to. But I did it! It felt like a real accomplishment to make the guy relax, I don't think he does it more than once a decade. I think maybe he needed it.

"So, yeah, I enjoyed myself. And I think he did too. 'Cause at the end, he invited me up to his apartment, said he'd had such a good evening for the first time in a long while, would I like to continue this conversation upstairs, and god, yes, I would. I wasn't sure for most of the night whether he'd be interested because he's so private about that part of his life, who even knows if he likes people at all, he keeps it all hidden.

"Well, of course I went up. And we stumble by the guards no problem 'cept one of them asks, sir, we should maybe check this fellow for you, it could get ugly - and Willem - ha ha! - Willem says, I mean he's had a few by this point, oh I'll do the checking and he grabs me 'round the waist - and so we're laughing as we walk into his apartment.

"And he's got this big comfy bed in it, so we, uh. Didn't do much talking, if you get the idea. Ha.

"But we stayed up awhile talking until he falls asleep on me, and I'm wonderin' what a guy like him is doing single, if he doesn't want to be, because he really doesn't seem to want to be, and he says he thinks it's the money, it's too much for some people, they don't care about him, they never see him, and he can't blame them, because he's always paranoid that they're out for something, they want something from him, but that he's glad he's been able to relax like this, if only for the one night. Then he kisses me and falls asleep connected to my mouth.

"Anyway it's not until much later when I've been able to get out from under him and I ring Eesti on the earpiece because he's still on the Rembrandt and should be available for extraction - sounds really pissed off at me, 'cause I had to keep the earpiece in so he heard _everything_ we did - so I say look, whatever you're feeling, I don't care, just have our tube ready in the left ventilation shaft, check the maps, you should be able to get to it from the floor below. A slight change to our previous plans. Meanwhile, I remove the painting from its frame, roll the canvas up, dismantle the frame, and by the time I'm done Eesti's got a drone with the tube waiting for me, just like we'd planned, just not _where_  we'd planned for it to be, what with the guards.

"So I unscrew the vent to the shaft, put the stuff in the tube, pop the tube back in and let Eesti and his drone take it away. I say it's all yours, kiddo.

"He says, well how are you gonna get out? And I say I'm not, I'm staying the night. He's like what, why? And now he's real pissed, even though he's got no reason to be 'cause he knows we're not exclusive and this is our job, and anyway he didn't see _me_  getting ticked about Chernenko and who wouldn't, she was a goddess, any guy'd be insecure!

"I want to make completely sure he believes me, of course! Wanna make sure he thinks I have nothing to do with it, and now they all chirp in and they're like are you dumb, you're the one who spent the night with him and now his dang painting's gone, that's probably not a coincidence, what else is he gonna think, and I say I think he'll think nothing at all, because I spent the night in his bed, and that's a great alibi.

"You're probably wondering why Willem doesn't wake up through all of this. Well he's got brandy in his bookshelf, and I've got a strong sleep aid in my cufflinks, so I fixed him a drink - yes, obviously, _after_  we had our fun, you think I'm nuts? The guy could model underwear - anyway you do the math, he was out 'til ten am.

"Didn't I feel bad? Yeah, of course I felt bad! I- I liked him, he was good-looking and nice and funny and he seemed sad. And he was my type, I mean there was no acting when I was in his bed, I'll say that.

"But look, he'd get his painting back in a day or two, it's not like we were stealing it for keeps, we just wanted the distraction, and only temporarily!

"And then in the morning - before the shit hits the fan, because the painting's not in the bedroom and I don't think he even noticed that 'til later - he says he's had a good time and my money's on the shelf next to the brandy.

"So I just - stop - and I stare at him - and I'm lost for words as I explain that I'm... not a sex worker?

"And I got nothin' against, god knows everyone's gotta make a living an' _I_  won't judge someone's choices, look at what I do, it's pretty similar sometimes, but that was real, I liked it, I liked _him_ , and - and okay, so maybe Eesti's got a point being mad at me, alright? I'll admit it! It was as real as it could be, and here he is saying I'm doing it for the money 'cause he can't tell I'm not fakin' it.

"The worst part is, he's not even wrong, I _was_ in it for the money, but not in the way that he thinks! Not even a little bit! Van Dijk had got nothing to do with it, we weren't after _his_  money, it was - the only reason - it was a dumb scheme and I was just improvising on it, trying to make it work so we could make our deadline but everything else about it was there.

"Or, maybe it was only there to me.

"And so he's laughing bitterly in my face and says he's got no clue which bodyguard it was who hired me, he's thinkin' probably Antonio 'cause Toni likes a laugh, so hey, was it Toni? Spanish guy with nice curly hair? Honestly, what a farce, who doesn't know who Willem van Dijk is. Though he admits too it's a really nice touch, exactly his dream to be incognito with someone, and he's praisin' me for my acting skills.

"I still can't talk, because wow, he doesn't know what genuine attraction looks like? He really thinks...?

"So I'm yelling, look, maybe that's why you're single, it's got nothing to do with the damn cash and everything to do with your attitude! And I storm out half naked, he's shouting after me, I'm sure the guards outside are getting an amazing view of all of this but I don't care, I'm hurt, and hey, just for the record, none of _that_  was acting either!

"I get into the elevator and head to Blue level to the Luxor shuttle station, get to the bathroom, find the first patsy who looks like he's my size and knock him out for his pants. Frankly the quicker I can get off this ship the sooner we end the job and I'm really starting to like the sound of that. And then I step off the 11am Luxor shuttle to the Timberwolf and you guys caught me there!

"Amazed anyone could recognise me _with my clothes on_. Hah!

"And now it's six in the evening, and we're here, and all the whatever-it-was in the picture frames is long gone by now to our hire, and my group just made a solid six million credits, and I'm sure they're gonna spend my share in trying to fish me out of your custody.

"But maybe I don't regret that too much. It was worth it. It was all in the name of money," said Danmark, finishing his tale.

He folded his arms across his chest and looked past the investigators seated across the table at the window behind them, which he felt certain was a one-way mirror, behind which he felt certain stood Willem van Dijk himself, in all his stern, forbidding beauty, because the man was easily fixated, because he couldn't help his prying curiosity, what kind of man would do this, what kind of reasoning he had, why.

Danmark had spent only the one night with him, but he was sure of this. And _he_ was why Danmark had spilled the beans. Not for the federal investigators.

"All in the name of money," Danmark repeated icily. "That much, I think van Dijk would understand."


End file.
